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| alright so long time no talk or write.
this semester is pure hell. i dislike school, i dislike the people at school, i dislike the learning enviroment that suffocates all the will out of me. im tired of trying to do anything. its just too much, but there are only a couple things that make me go on. thats my friends and my hopes. sometimes, most of the time, its enough, but there are little moments when i feel like curdling up like cheese and rolling off into a damp dark area, preferably with no light and a corner. where do corners end though? when will i be healed? but i talk about 'it' as if it is extrinsic when it is really me. i had such a good talk today that relived me of much of my stress. i can just let things go, and that ability is positive.
i want to graduate already
i want to go to college
i want to live my life where it is supposed to be
i want to get a job
i want to start relating to people i desire
i want to start learning from people i look up to
i want to start connecting with people i love and admire
i want to leave hightower
i want to leave missouri city
i dont to be able to walk to my classes and not spend an hour in traffic for it
i want to eat healthier
i want to be healthier
i want to love someone like they have never been loved before
i want to be loved like ive never been loved before
i want to go to france and visit the places i walked in
i want to tell all the people that bump into my and cut me off everday in the hallway to fuck off and watch where they are going
i want to make music
i want to make movie(s)
i want to take classes i fucking want to take
i want teachers to teach those classes
i want to learn | | |
| lately, ive been fooling myself thinking that what i am doing is
healthy for me. ive been fooling myself thinking that it might actually
work out for once, but once again, i have been proven wrong because its
not okay and what im doing isnt healthy. ive got to stop acting out
some stage play where there is only one character. i feel so inadequate
and foolish. wishing can only get somebody so far, and i need to stop
because its hurting me more than i can imagine. how can i think that i
am not alone? how can i possibly deny that its not working out, that my
actions are futile, absurd, impractical? i cant anymore because the
lies are stacking up so quickly in front of me that i cant see anything
in front of me. its time for confronation. i must confront my lies and
my foolishness and my irrationality. im unhealthy. im not doing whats
right for me. i failing myself. im cutting myself short. im expecting
too little and in turn thinking that i am smaller than i am. im
settling for absurd fantasies. im not living for here, where i am. lara
needs to change ... now
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| its not something to be proud of
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| yeah. im afraid too. i feel like im perpetuating the fear by constantly
looking on my television to find that there is nothing else but the
hurricane news. yeah, i know its comming, yeah i know its strong, yeah
i know it could go more east, yeah i know there is a shit load of
traffic. now is the time to place a nice blanket and change the channel
to something a little less of apocalyptic. yeah, i dont want to get
hurt, and i havent found one person that does. i spent 5 hours in the
car, only to go back home because the traffic was so bad. its like
exedous. i have never seen so many cars all out at once. its like
everyone with an automobile decided that now would be the best time to
use it. its crazy. houston is so messed up. we went driving tonight,
hoping that perhaps a movie theatre would be open. it wasnt. its like
thanksgiving or christmas except there really isnt a celebration, and i
mean jesus. there really isnt much to do. when im talking to my
friends, all we can say is "so how bout that hurricane rita. yep" my
life is on hold, waiting slowly for this natural disaster to hit. i
dont know what its going to be like. i wasnt even here for the tropical
storm allison, so for all i know, it could be freaking scary or just
kinda bad. is this a defining moment in my life? im not so sure yet,
but ican sure feel the anxiety hovering over me like .. like.. like the
sky. and im making these stories up my head, just to leave because
channel 20 cant do it for me. and i dont want to go to bed. i just want
this rita mother fucker to come, screw us, and leave. shes a tease i
tell u, a tease!
but, in all reality, if power goes out, if people are stuck, if things
go wrong, if this becomes some real shit that we will suffer for the
next month or so trying to rebuild lives, homes, hearts and all the
other stuff that is intangible, ill have to become religious again, and
i guess ill pray. as for now, know that i love you guys. that i hope
that u are safe and that we will look back on this, and watch pbs
airing social commentators critisizing the response of the government
and how it all ties into race, class, gender. but we will have to wait.
stay alive.
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